i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
