I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
