but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize