Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
