I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
