I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
