I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
