i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
