Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He felt like a one man threesome
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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