I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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