So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
