Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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