Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
