Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize