my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize