WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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