My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
