She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
