Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
