wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
