How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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