Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We're facebook friends in real life
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
