i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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