I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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