Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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