i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize