Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
