grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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