i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
