I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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