worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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