I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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