I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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