My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
