dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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