Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
