I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You may now shotgun with the bride
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
