I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
