He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
