I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
