I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
