omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize