Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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