There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
