Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They took my balls.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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