so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
