remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
