Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
