First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
