True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize