did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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