Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
