I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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