Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
