im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
