I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
