He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
