first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
