Tell her she can't have a vagina
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
