I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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