I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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