She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize