I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
