I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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