On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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