my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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