just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
