Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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