I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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