So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
