Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize