Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
