I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
